Where to go from here

Cody and I got so comfortable this last month living a “reality” as new parents and not as people fighting a horrible disease.  We were able to get back to being “us” and remembering how great things were before this nightmare started.  We were living the reality that every newly married couple with a brand new baby should be living.  Except, unforunately, that’s not really reality for us. We have done a great job the last couple weeks kind of putting cancer on the back burner and not letting it control our lives like it has over the past 5 months.  It wasn’t brought up in every conversation, we didn’t let those thoughts creep in; we just focused on our beautiful miracle.  And it was the best month I’ve had in a long, long time.  And then today happened.

I have been incredibly anxious all week.  We had an appointment with my oncologist at 11:45 this morning.  We arrived at the cancer center at around 11:30 and didn’t actually see my doctor until 12:45…an hour after our scheduled appointment, which made my anxiety about the situation that much worse.  When I first got diagnosed I had told my doctor that I didn’t want to know the results of the scans as long as they didn’t change my treatment plan.  I didn’t need to sit around thinking about every ache and pain possibly being because of this disease.  I went into today’s appointment with the same mindset: I just wanted to know what I needed to do moving forward.

My doctor had other things in mind.  He didn’t feel as though we collectively could make a decision about what was best unless we knew the results from the PET scan that I had last week. Reluctantly, we agreed. He went on to tell us that the resuts were not good.  The scan showed active disease in the lungs, the lymph nodes, areas in the stomach and even in some bones. If you’re wondering like I did how it was possible that I just had a clear chest scan a few weeks ago and now it’s not I’ll fill you in. The scan I had before my last round of chemo was a CT scan which I guess would just show tumors and growths.  This PET scan shows things more in depth, so there was active disease shown there. Which I guess means that there are cancerous cells shown in that area.  He then went on to say that he doesn’t believe we’ll be able to find a cure and that he’s not sure that the 6 drug chemo regimen is worth the brutality it would put my body through, but he encouraged us to get a second opinion.  What I heard? Basically a death sentence and that he had given up hope.

Just a reminder: Cody and I still have yet to be married for an entire year.  We’ve been through things as a couple and dealt with things in the past five months that people shouldn’t have to deal with in a lifetime.  Our relationship has been tested in more ways than that of a couple who has been married for 50 years.  One thing I know: nothing will break us apart after this and there is absolutley no way I could get through any of this without him by my side.

So, here we are, 5 months into fighting this battle and we’re going through all the same feelings we felt months ago when we first got hit with the horrible diagnosis. We’ve tried so hard to be positive throughout this all and now we sit at home and can’t remember how we ever got past those dreadful feelings the first few days.  The hardest part is still not having a plan moving forward.  We’re going to meet with a few doctors in Chicago, but we don’t know what to expect or what to do with all of this energy coursing through our bodies.

It’s so incredibly hard to look at the big picture when we don’t know what the big picture looks like.  I want and I’ve tried to put all of my trust in God and give up what small amount of control I feel I may have over this situation, but when is enough enough? I don’t remember how to keep those thoughts from flooding my mind.  As I sit here I can’t help but think horrible things like what if I’m not around to watch this little baby grow up and live his life, or what if he grows up and doesn’t remember me or has no idea who I am, or what if Cody moves on and Bentley decides he wants to call someone else Mom.  These thoughts absolutely crush me and tear my heart into a million pieces, yet I don’t know how to keep them from entering my mind.  This may sound like me throwing in the towel.  It’s not.  These are just thoughts that creep in when we keep getting such disheartening news.

Now we’re basically left with the decision on starting a way more intense dose of chemo which is usually done over 3 days in the hospital, or choosing essentially to do nothing but live my life and let the disease run it’s course. I don’t know what our answer to that question is yet, but I will tell you one thing.  I will NEVER, ever give up. I have way too much too fight for and way too many things to do yet in my life.  I’m going to keep trusting that somehow God’s plan is bigger than all of this and keep praying for one small victory at a time.  I want so, so badly for the day that I get on here to do an update that says I’m in remission.  So let’s make that happen: keep praying harder than ever that I can beat this disease.  For me, for Cody, for Bentley, for our entire families.

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14 thoughts on “Where to go from here

  1. Keep up the fight. If I have learned anything through my own battle with cancer it is that you never give up. Keep positive thoughts even when you don’t get the best news. It is easier said than done, believe me, I know. But, letting yourself go to the dark side isn’t where you want to be. May God bless you and your family. You are an inspiration.

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  2. (((((Hugs)))) So sorry to hear this news; it’s sure not what I was hoping for. Darn it darn it darn it. I will be praying harder and longer for you as Cody and Bentley need you. I know with your attitude you can beat this. Again, if you guys need anything, please know I’m here for you. xoxoxo

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  3. I am a college friend of Cody’s mom. I cannot imagine how the two of you are getting through each day. You are too young to be experiencing such difficulties. God must truly be giving you the strength that you need. I will continue my prayers for you to kick this darned cancer. Keep your faith. Let God hold you in His arms tonight.

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  4. You guys definitely have my prayers. Such a hard thing for you to go through …of course you ( anyone) would have all the thoughts you’re having, and I’m sure it’s very hard to remain positive. The best thing for you is to probably give yourself to the Lord with a ‘thy will be done’ ribbon. Enjoy what you have and, perhaps that miracle will happen soon. Prayers for the miracle, and for peace! 💙

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  5. Lindsay, our prayer warriors continue to keep you in prayer and we will continue to be praying for you. My brother Tom Quick lost his battle to pancreatic cancer but he lost it due to complications of a different nature…Tom was given six months to live and after contacting Cancer Treatment Centers of America (CTCA) he was given hope! He lived 5 months shy of two years and if he hadn’t developed bleeding ulcers, and other complications, he could still be here. I guess what I am trying to say is please call and see if CTCA can help. Lindsay I don’t mean to sound like a commercial but I really believe in them. I was a nurse before I retired and they are absolutely amazing. They treat the whole person, work with family and are truly there to fight cancer by any means possible. They have helped so many….I have a friend with Stage IV melanoma, who was also given a death sentence by his original oncologist and he is still fighting 5 years later! We continue to keep you and Cody and your beautiful son Bentley in our prayers. Please never give up and check all your options for treatment. God bless you, our prayer warriors will continue lifting you all up in prayer and we continue to pray for a cure ❤ ❤ ❤

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  6. Lindsay,
    I do not know you or your family although as I read your story I dropped my phone. I began to cry and to pray for all of you. Do not give up hope Lindsay and know that God has a plan for you and your family. It may not be the same plan as ours although Trust God Lindsay. We all pray and ask him to reach down from Heaven and wrap his arms around you removing the cancer from your body. God is the only one who knows his plan, trust him Lindsay and stay positive.. God works miracles all the time and it’s through the Power of Prayer. I will pray for all of you that God provides the strength for all of you to endure the road ahead to recovery.

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  7. Lindsay, my name is Kris and you don’t know me, but I believe you are the person who three different people have reached out to me to tell me about your story. I like you have been down the same road with my daughter, shortly after she gave birth to her little girl. I do strongly encourage you to go to a much larger hospital. We went to Barnes, but I do think any larger facility will be much more up to date on cutting edge treatments. I will not lie, my daughter did the very aggressive chemotherapy and it is very difficult. I also know my daughter’s cancer was a different kind than yours and you would probably not receive the same chemotherapy as she did. But if they tell you it is rough, believe me it will be. My advice is to be persistent and gather as much information as possible. Question the Doctors, and be persistent, so you can make the best choices for you. Go quickly because each day is important, and don’t be surprised if they repeat the same tests you have been through already, bc it would be a possibility. Stay strong and hold on to your faith which is the most important. God has gotten you to this place and has given you a beautiful baby boy. Enjoy every moment with your baby, he will give you the strength to fight the battle. I also would try my best to give it to God, he will be with you to carry you through your journey. Take each day, one day at a time, and do not look at the big picture, the big picture is to overwhelming to face. I will continue to pray for you, and pray that God will give you peace in your heart in the darkest of times, when there is that feeling of hopelessness and despair. God alone will care for you and your family. I do know how hard it is to hear the news you don’t want to hear, but keep fighting, praying, and trusting God to be with you! God does perform miracles!

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  8. You have been in my thoughts from the moment I heard your diagnosis. I love your mom and dad. I have always included them in what I call my “circle of life ” and wished them nothing but happiness! I pray for a cure, a remission, anything that will prolong your life. I also wish you many moments of joy daily in the love of your family and the light of God.

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  9. Lindsay, I was in church last Sunday when your precious little Bentley was baptized….prayers everyday for you & your beautiful family. God bless all of you.

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