Well I’ve been on quite the hiatus. If you hadn’t guessed by now, I have had a very, very rough couple of weeks (as did Lindsay) and I’ve struggled to find the ‘want to’ or the mindset to sit down and write but I almost felt compelled to write something today even if it’s brief.
Last round of chemo was super difficult on Lindsay both emotionally and mentally. She started feeling crappy earlier in the round and that kind of steamrolled into a rough mental stretch as well. As you’ve gathered by now, I’m sure, my mental state (and physical state in some ways) kind of ‘goes as she goes’, so to speak. I have said it time and time again but it’s one of the most difficult things I’ve ever had to go through in my life; seeing someone so close to me affected by such a physically and emotionally draining disease. I spent many a night the past 3 weeks in tears, anger, fear, jealousy, happiness, deafening silence, emptiness, celebration, depression; to name a few. I’ve been all over the place with my emotions and mental health over the past 3 weeks but I’ve got some of the most amazing friends, family and you all. I’ve got way too many good things in my life for the bad/difficult times to keep me down for long. Just when I get mad at God and want to curse him for putting me in the position I am in, He reminds me in the smallest and simplest ways that He is in control and it will all work out.
We started to feel the financial hand tightening a bit again as it has been a month or so since we stepped down to just one income. Just as the frustration and anxiety started to set in and make us feel uncomfortable we brought in the mail to find an unbelievably generous and selfless gift of $1,000 from a friend of my parents (and mine) that has kept track of our situation from afar. I won’t say their names out of respect for their privacy but I wanted to make sure to talk about their gracious gift on here and let them know just how much it helped us when we needed it most and just how much we appreciate their gift! THANK YOU is certainly not enough, but it’s all we can give at the moment but you can bet your butt that they’re getting a huge hug and thank you when we see them next.
There has been little gestures and events like that that have happened throughout this process and I can’t help but tie them to a higher power. I once told some friends of ours that the moments in life of unexplainable beauty, coincidence, chain-of-events and grace are absolute signs that God is very much real and alive within us. If there is one positive that we can take away from this, it’s definitely just how genuinely good people can be to one another. We’ve been unbelievably blessed with our support, loves and prayers since day 1 and it continues to humble us regularly and we thank you for all playing a part in that.
We started chemo again today and the day started out horribly. If you recall from the past blog that Linds posted, we had a CT scan performed last Thursday to check in on the progress of the chemo and to see if we needed to make treatment changes. Both of us woke up with a very strong sense of anxiety, nervousness and general uncomfortableness. I knew this was a huge week for us, essentially holding its place in this journey as more or less a hinge to our future.
We were down to two possible outcomes.
- The scans come back indicating that treatment isn’t causing a favorable reaction in treatment of her cancer.
- Changes to treatment would be made (stronger and more drugs)
- Baby Joey would be coming into the world MUCH sooner than later, probably later this week or next.
- The scans come back indicating that treatment IS working and the cancer treatment is going well.
- No change to treatment in the immediate future, at least until after baby.
- Baby Joey would be more like a week 36-37 week baby vs. 34 weeks.
Obviously those are polar opposites but the most difficult thing for either outcome is the far-reaching impact. Each result has quite literally 5-6 reactory outcomes along with them as well and that is a terrifying thing when the reactory outcomes are MASSIVE, life-altering changes.
We both felt a very heavy weight on our shoulders this morning and as I went into work this morning my mind was most definitely on our treatment week, Linds, my unborn son and the results of our impending CT results. I was sick to my stomach with nerves but Lindsay was truly sick to her stomach and actually ended up getting sick this morning after waking up. I think it was a combination of anticipation of another week which is terribly sad in and of itself but I know another, perhaps larger, portion of it was due to her being anxious/nervous about her results. My mind continued to wander, unsure of our future and scared to hear the results. I didn’t know how much more bad news I could take as I was in a pretty low spot, emotionally, for myself and I really didn’t want to dust myself off and keep moving forward all over again.
“Hemoglobin is down to 6.4 g/dl”
That’s what I got from Lindsay at 10:59 am today. My heart sank. Despite our transfusion efforts and other drugs to counteract the hemoglobin counts, they continued their downward spiral and it seemed uncontrollable at this point. My heart was beating and I knew that the results from the CT scan were in our near future. My mind raced from one extreme to the other, battling against the voice in my head telling myself to calm down and regain perspective and let the results be what will be. “God is good” kept replaying in my head, recalling the old saying I heard countless times growing up had to mean something, right?
Then the text came.
“But the chest CT came back that everything that was on there before is completely gone!”
I went to the bathroom at work, went into the furthest stall and sat down, threw my face into my hands and started to let it out. We had been through so much in the past 4 months, so many ups and downs, so many emotional rollercoaster rides, so many difficult days and finally, FINALLY we got good news. I guess God does have a weird way of answering prayers.
He dealt us so many small, trivial battles. Put us in so many uphill battles and difficult, relationship altering situations. He made us get closer together, lean on each other, communicate with one another and remember to live, laugh and love (corny, anyone? :)) each and every day. He knew that putting us through all these difficult battles wouldn’t be easy but then He did something amazing. Just when the fog seemed to grow more and more dense and the road seemed to grow longer and longer, He decided to deliver this news.
I read the text over and over again, “everything that was on there before is completely gone!”. I couldn’t help but breathe a sigh of relief, thank God and thank you all for your prayers. Lindsay is the strongest person I know, that will never change even after the day I die and I’m incredibly blessed to have her in my life. She is my everything and my inspiration to accept our advice that we set out with in the beginning of this journey. She inspires me to remember to take this one step and one day at a time.
We don’t know what this news means yet. We meet with our gynecological oncologist and high-risk OB doctors tomorrow who I am sure will have more answers for us and let us know the impact this news will have. Regardless of the uncertainty of this news and the uncertainty of our current state in this treatment, this result is overwhelmingly good. One thing we do know for sure from this positive news can be summed up in the below three words.
God. Is. Good. 🙂