Keep On Pushing

I feel like it has been forever since either one of us has updated you all and so much has happened in the last couple of weeks.  Cody left off I believe on Tuesday of treatment week and unfortunately, the days to follow were some of the worst we’ve encountered yet.  Cody mentioned having to go in for a blood transfusion on Wednesday after chemo finished up and that went pretty quick and didn’t take any longer than we expected.  I will say that our experience at OSF here in town was MUCH better than either of our experiences over in Peoria 🙂  I had been feeling pretty well up until that point in the week, but all went downhill after getting home Wednesday.  I felt well enough to eat dinner and was still feeling good until time for bed.  I started to get nauseous and just didn’t sleep well.  We always know those days are coming after a week of treatment, but they usually don’t start until Friday night.  I woke up feeling ok on Thursday and managed to get through treatment pretty quickly and without many problems.  This is the first week of treatment that I didn’t come home to a house full of kids and as much as I miss those munchkins, it was definiltey nice to be able to come home and take a nap in a quiet house!

Friday begins a whole other story.  I woke up nauseous, which in turn meant I had to go into chemo already feeling sick.  This is the first time that I’ve ever had to deal with already not feeling well going into a day of treatment.  The nurses could even tell that my demeanor was off, but they were already giving me all the anti-nausea meds that they could, I just had to try to stay relaxed and make it through the four hours.  After forcing myself to eat some lunch, I felt ok for the remainder of the afternoon.  After the last round of chemo, I found that if I actually made myself eat then it seemed to help with not being as nauseous, so I figured the same would be true this go around…not so much.  I forced myself to eat a little bit at dinner and take my anti-nausea meds and not even an hour later I was running to the bathroom.  I finally laid down to try to get some sleep, but woke up again Saturday morning running to the bathroom after eating just a cracker.

The most upsetting part about feeling this way upon waking up Saturday morning was that I had a baby shower planned for that afternoon.  Sam and Kendra had put so much time and energy into planning the super cute Dr. Seuss themed shower and I was going to get to see a bunch of my friends that I hadn’t seen in such a long time that I decided to give myself the morning to take it slow and then try to make it through the shower the best I could.  After driving (well making Cody drive me) the 45 minutes to the shower and getting to say hi and chat with everyone for a few minutes we all sat down to start a few games and open gifts.  After sitting down for a few minutes I started to get extremely hot so I got up to go to the bathroom thinking maybe I just needed to get out of the room for a few minutes.  I sat down in a stall and continued to get even more overheated, but had goosebumps at the same time.  Even sitting down I started to get really dizzy and I wasn’t sure what to do at that point as I had never experienced anything like that before.  Luckily, just as I felt like I might actually pass out, my mom came in to check on me.  She helped me walk out of the bathroom so she should get me some cold paper towels and I could sit down for a bit.  Now, I obviously didn’t see myself but Cody tells me that my lips were completely white and I didn’t look so good. (Sorry for scaring you!) After sitting down and cooling off for a bit we decided it was for the best if my mom took me back to my parents house were I could lay down and relax for a bit.  Cody stayed behind at the shower to let everyone know what was going on and to start loading the unopened gifts.  I felt so horrible that so many people had driven and taken time out of their days to come to my shower that I wasn’t even really at.  It’s extremely frustrating to feel so horrible physically, but it’s also extremely frustrating that because of this stupid cancer I wasn’t even able to have one day with my friends to celebrate this baby and be excited about his arrival.  With that being said, Cody and I got home a few hours later and had a great time opening all of our gifts and seeing the MASS AMOUNT of amazing stuff we were given.  So thank you all…for coming all that way and for the great gifts 🙂

Sunday I woke up feeliing pretty good and Cody and I were even able to make a few returns to Toys R Us and Kohls and have his parents down for dinner.  After getting a couple duplicates from showers and a bunch of gift cards we were able to get some of the bigger stuff on our registry that we hadn’t gotten yet.  It’s safe to say that baby Joey shouldn’t need anything for quite some time! After a good day Sunday, it was pretty disheartening to wake up getting sick again Monday morning.  That was a very rough morning for me mentally.   I find myself getting in these funks during the low points in treatment.  I can’t help but wonder how much more of this I can really take if it’s putting my body through so much pain.  I also feel incredibly guilty; it’s hard not to feel like Cody’s needs and wants are being completely neglected during those times because we’re both so focused on making sure that I comfortable or feeling my best. Which really isn’t fair to him. But, we got through it and here we are still pushing forward.  Each day the rest of the week kept getting a little better and by Friday I finally felt pretty normal. There’s a quote that I keep seeing since all of this has started: “You’ve survived 100% of your worst days.” And it is so true.  Every time I’m having a horrible day I just have to remind myself that it will get better.  That I’m going through all of this so that I can be here to spend many, many more years with my husband and son. That no matter how bad today seems, I’ve survived bad days before and there has to be an end in sight.  Just like the last couple weeks were pretty rough, Cody and I got to spend yesterday getting baby’s room organized and everything hung on the walls.  Those days make it all worth it.  So we’ll push through one more round before this baby gets here and we’ll see the plan of attack after we’ve had time to enjoy our little miracle.

I have a CT scan scheduled for Thursday morning to see if treatment is working.  Hopefully it is and nothing will have to change treatment wise, but if it isn’t doing what my oncologist wants it to be doing, we will change treatment plan and probably have baby within the next 2-3 weeks.  As excited as we would be to meet our little nugget early, we ask for prayers that these scans come back positive and that treatment is working like it should!

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