I wanted to take this opportunity to share with everyone a little more in depth on how much of a rollercoaster ride this whole journey really is and has been so far. I’ve received so many compliments the last couple of months on how well I’ve handled this and how I’ve had such a positive additude throughout this journey. While I try to approach this all with positivity, that isn’t always the case. Those of you that follow the blog regularly know that we’ve had some expected ups and downs, but the only person that really has seen the darkest times and the darkest hours besides myself is my amazing husband and he deserves more credit than he is given. This isn’t going to be some horrible blog post about how awful my life currently is, but I do want you all to know that while I may seem positive to the outside world, that isn’t necessarily how I feel every day.
The last week of treatment was very difficult for me mentally. After being so sick after the previous round I was dreading every second of being pumped full of chemicals. I know that the end goal here is to put these horrible things in my body to rid my body of the even more horrible things that are growing inside of it, but when I feel like total crap that’s hard to remember sometimes. Mentally I was just ready to be done. I found myself back in the mental state I was in at the very beginning of this journey and was getting upset at everything and everyone that complained about it being Monday, or having to work late, or the house being a mess. Those things seem so trivial to me now. I would give almost anything for my biggest concern to be facing another dreaded Monday. Really, I should be happy for the people whose Monday’s are dreadful and messy houses are the end of the world…but are they really? What I ask of each of you to be a little more conscious about the things you are complaining about and seem to be the most devastating. Step back and take a look. Is another Monday or working five minutes late really the end of the world? No, probably not. It could be much worse. My situation could be much worse too and because of that I will cherish each and every Monday and annoying situation from here on out as long as I am here to be annoyed by them 🙂
The five days of treatment usually go by pretty uneventfully, but the 2-3 days the follow are far from fun and of course, always land on a weekend when I want to be out enjoying the summer with family and friends. But, such is life. It’s during these few days that I really find myself thinking horrible thoughts and wondering what the point of all of this is. In all reality, I know what the point is; it’s to get me well enough to be able to enjoy every single day with my family, friends and little baby that will soon be here, but in times of feeling like a total mess it is hard to remember that. It is especially frustrating that I felt completely “normal” ‘before cancer’. I use that phrase lightly because I still had cancer when I felt normal, I just didn’t know it. I have found myself discouraged because these drugs that they give me to make me better are what make me noticeably ill. Which, again, I understand the point is to get me better but that is a hard thing to wrap my brain around and accept.
During these days of sickness and discouragement Cody sits idly by making sure I have everything I want and need. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, but I think he has the harder job in all of this. It’s hard enough for me to sit around feeling sick, but I imagine it’s even harder for him to watch. If the roles were reversed and I had to watch him face something like this I would be a complete wreck. (And maybe he is, he’s just very good and not showing it around me ;)) I constantly give him grief because of how many questions he asks and how many times he asks them throughout the day, but in all actuality I can’t say that I would be any different in his position. I know he means well and I wish more than anything that I could take that suffering away from him. He’s dealing with cancer too, just in a different and possibly more difficult way. I really couldn’t imagine facing this battle with anyone else by my side.
I know this post isn’t much of an update, but just wanted to give everyone a glimpse into the reality that I don’t sit around imagining butterflies and rainbows every day. With all of this being said, I will continue to keep chugging along and try my best to stay as positive as possible throughout the rest of this journey. I can’t wait for the day that this is all just a story from the past and not my current reality.